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March 24th, 2008

Ah well. Running theme of my life seems to be the highs rapidly followed by the really, really lows. Not my own biggest fan right about now, not exactly sure why. I seem to have become this person I don't really like over the last 2-3 years, pretty much since I left uni I suppose. I'm not even sure what exactly it is about myself that I don't really get on with, but it's severely getting in the way of me getting on with my life. I mean, how are you supposed to convince a potential employer that you're worth hiring when to be honest, you don't even like yourself? As for friends, don't get me started. Was out at the pub earlier for a mates leaving for London do, and was finding it really hard to talk to anyone, nothing to say that wasn't crap, and anything I did say just made me out to be egotistical, self-centred, lairy or just plain stupid. So just got drunk and behaved like a bit of an arse and a weirdo and made a tit out of myself, as per fucking usual. Went home quite early, would have been nice to head off to Sacrilege with them, but to be honest,

I miss the easy conversations. I miss having a laugh and not constantly feeling on edge, feeling like I'm not being like myself because the "myself" I am is so far removed from the myself I got comfortable with at uni.

You see, I should be feeling pretty great right now. At dancing I did a teddybear, a gemini, a brass monkey, a butterfly, an upsidowny thing I don't even KNOW what it's called, all for the first time ever, and all without hands. OK, the mentally sticky poles helped. A Lot. But that and all the usual stuff that gives me headrush and buzzy feelings should be carrying me through to next week! So why do I just feel like a prat? Why do I feel like my mere PRESENCE brings everyone in the room down, to the stage where I don't even want to open my mouth so I don't say something stupid and piss people off?

Yadda yadda yadda. I promised myself that I would try and keep this journal fairly functional now, and try to avoid all the emo stuff that keeps popping into it when I feel down. But at the moment, I think I need it more as a venting space. I'm so glad I'm going home tomorrow. I don't really want to be around people right now.

March 23rd, 2008

I did it. It's over. I FINALLY quit the Leadmill (along with pretty much everyone else!) It's the weirdest feeling ever, being "unemployed" again. I mean, I'm not REALLY unemployed, I know full well if I wanted to I could earn more in a week being freelance than I could in the Leadmill, but to all intents and purposes, I don't have any responsibility to any company now, and no timescale to work to. It's ace. Not becoming dole scum, I don't think I could handle that, I'm not good with feeling indebted and needy (emotionally or any other way, but we'll see where this post takes us.) Had 2 interviews for officey adminy type jobs, one of which went appallingly (but it was my 1st interview ever, so i forgave myself... eventually), the second went quite well (but still didn't get it, but positive things anyway) Gonna go home for a couple of weeks on Monday, spend some time with my family and enjoy ythe downtime, because as it is, I just feel constantly stressed and tired, always with something else to sort out. A few pancakes and homemade lasagnes should hopefully make me feel a bit better about myself in general, feeling a bit down and drained and emo, and don't like it one bit!

In other news, I turned 24 last Tuesday in a massive car crash of booze and bruises (the one on my knee is going down a BIT, but it's still pretty!) Added them all up, and from dancing and drunkness, had about 40 bruises all over me by Tuesday morning, (including a mightily impressive arse one, damn Corp poles!) Got to see lots of people I haven't got to spend much time with, which was nice, and it culminated with me, Chris, Liv, Beth, Nikki and Owen going to a vegan restaurant on Abbeydale Road and me not getting freaked out by the copious amounts of veg! Be impressed people, be impressed!

Dancing still continues to make me very happy, like flying around in your dreams when you were 5. Suffering severe muscle ache at the moment though, I think I might have to start reassessing my priorities and try and balance out the poling with some kind of exercise routine, given my only exercise seems to be an hour of hanging myself upsidown with my knees! Bad for muscles. Supposed to be doing a competition in Lincoln in a few weeks, but kinda reconsidering it at the moment, haven't really got a routine together yet and only have a 1 lesson after I get back.... it's a lot of time and money to spend to do something half-assed, and beginning to worry I'm getting tendonitis in my forearms. Probably could do without the stress as well. Will be sad not to do it, was starting to look forward to it, and it would be nice to spend the day getting to know other people who don't laugh at me when I say I've got into pole dancing. We'll see.

Well, that's me over and out after a ramble of saying nothing. Will try and keep this factually updated, I could probably use a record of the job hunting (and a space to vent given very few of my friends really use LJ anymore!)

January 28th, 2008

Stuff and nonsense.

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While I'm procrastinating from carrying on with my tax return (11% down, but have come to a grinding halt with the self-employed bollocks), and waiting for the toad in the hole to cook, I figured this needed a little updating...

1) I've handed my notice in at the Leadmill. No, wait. I'VE HANDED MY NOTICE IN AT THE LEADMILL! That phrase is goin to keep me going for a while. Last day is 14th March, it's a long notice, but I figured I'd be nice and give them time to replace me, but instead, they're not going to replace me. I'm gonna love to see how this is going to work out when someone wants to take a week long holiday, but it's not gonna be my problem. I'll be holed up in an office somewhere, hopefully with the city council, but not going to count my chickens on that one yet. Have several jobs I'm goint to apply for once my CV's sorted (which will have to wait until after aforementioned tax return bollocks!)

2) Poledancing is going wonderfully. Well, it would be if I hadn't damaged a rub muscle last Saturday dancing on the stage at Corp! been bathing in Deep Heat all week, and despite buggering it up again a little at Corp this week then dancing lesson on Sunday night, it's feeling OK. Possibly because the rest of my body is absolutely caning, haven't ached this much since those 3 hour conditioning sessions for rhythmic (I miss my oversplits!) Going to start going to the gym with Liv and Gemma to build up pole condusive muscles, so might take the opportunity to start stretching again, properly.

3) Got a 1st class pass in my accounts and bookkepping exam! \o/ So pretty chuffed with that, even though I kinda knew the exam had gone really really well. But currently getting v pissed off with my typing course being a complete waste of time... all I wanted to do was learn how to touch type and audio type, but looks like I'll have to wait until next year for any of that. Ho hum. Quite looking forward to the next enrollment actually. Current course is pissing me off, but enjoy the whole doing brainstuff thing, and learning new stuff. That's cool.

Well, toad in the hole should be ready now. May update again in a bit!

December 20th, 2007

T-Minus 7 hours...

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It's been quite an impressive week workwise. Done lights for Gorgol Bordello AND Reverend & The Makers (and actually got to op them as well!) Gorgol Bordello was possibly the most amazing gig I have ever seen, the atmosphere of the crowd was amazing. Makes me wish I'd bothered going to the Arctic Monkeys secret gig in February, since thats the only gig I think that would have topped it. But I digress. Unfortunately, to get my 6 day Christmas, I've had to do 33 hours at work in the last 3 days, the result of which is that I'm absolutely shattered. Missed my taxi home last night (well, missed is the wrong word, Jo went without me, understandable I guess, she didn't know I was done, but still, there were better nights to be stuck in the Leadmill until 4:30 in the morning.) Passed out on a sofa in Small Bar for an hour, then went home and to bed with all my clothes on, to be back in to work to do t'Reverend. (And had to walk to Broomhill to get a 40 because the 52's had been cancelled because of a bad housefire on Northfield Road.)

La la la, what else? Went to the Xmas social on Monday night, which was a resounding success from what I could see, a good mixture of old and new TSC, and got to say hi to a lot of people I haven't spoken to in a while. Nice to rememebr there are still people around in Sheffield. :-) Then went to Corp and got too hammered, moral of the story was, I should have gone and got a pizza after I found out the buffet had all gone! So couldn't make it to Chris' houseparty, which made me sad, but stopped in round his to make a speciality "put everything you have that's going off in a pan with some sause and see what comes out". Which was highly tasty, if possibly containing bad onions.

Now on poledancing lesson number 3, Sunday was just the three of us, so we sacked off the chair routine and just spent the entire hour doing spins and finished off with going upside-down on the pole and trying to let go... I managed it once, but my positioning wasn't right, and when I corrected it I fell on my head and shoulder, which was quite amusing! Next lesson is potentially on the 2nd, although she said she's not sure she'l run that one, but definitely the 6th. So I get to go to the staff christmas party with very sore wrists and walkng like a croquet hoop again! Oh well. It's the most fun I've had doing something vaguely fitnessy for a while, even when I was swimming and gymming, it was always an effort to go there, even if it was fun afterwards.

Well, better focus the front bar, in an effort to look like I've done something today. Probably wont be back on here til after Christmas, so Merry Christmas everyone, I hope it all goes suitably festively, and wherever you are in the world, I hope I get to see you in 2008.]

x

November 22nd, 2007

hmmmm... hello.

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Looking down, I appear to have developed a bit of a belly in the last few weeks. Stress does have a habit of making me eat more, while reducing my activity levels to zero. But even so, I'd hazard a guess at half a stone in the last month? Not good. I guess the pole dancing is a step in the right direction. Wish it was more often, and didn't get booked up so quickly. Need more stuff.

Oh bollocks. It's my course tonight and I forgot. Shit.

November 18th, 2007

It started as a bit of a whim. I fancied doing something a bit fitness-y, a bit stretchy, a bit fun, and I came across this woman offering poledancing lessons on Sheffield Forum. Sent her an email, but being non-proactive and, well, me, didn't really do anything about it. Saw on Gemma's profile that she was quite interested in doing poledancing lessons, so sent her the email address.

Note: Gemma doesn't just talk about doing things. She actually DOES them. So found myself tonight after a once again stupendous Sunday dinner driving me, Gem and Liv into the city centre for an hour long pole dancing class.

And it fucking ROCKED.

Felt a bit stupid for the first 5-10 mins. I mean, we were grinding in the first 3 moves! But after we all got into it, and started doing some spins and stuff, it all became very very fun! I am incapable of doing one of the spins, it just makes me look like a retarded monkey clinging on to the pole with a look of terror on my face! And It wasn't like it looks at all "good" yet! But my stomach muscles are complaining heartily, and my lead wrist is very very red and warm right now, and I did break quite a phenomenal sweat! Feel like I've actually done something today, and we're going back in a few of weeks (it's all booked up for next week and I'm doing the Cavelcade at City Hall the week after!) Unfortunately, this may spell the end of my trusty 2006 Leeds wristband. I'll give it a good send-off!

Another thing of note today, I managed to drive to pick Liv up, then to Gemma's, then to they city, then drop Gemma off, then drop Liv off, then drive home, pretty much without directions or doing anything particularly bad (although I think I took a turning that wasn't actually a turning, resulting in a large honk of someone's horn!) First time I've ever made it to Gemma's without someone navigating me every turn all the way there, and made it round Park Square roundabout 3 times without a mistake. So yeah. Feeling a little peppy right now. Also very very hungry. Doing mock exam for accounts and bookkeeping course tomorrow at the moment, but think I'll put on a congraulatory pie for dinner.

November 15th, 2007

While shopping in Boots earlier, we were told that it was 6 weeks until Christmas. This disturbs me somewhat. Where exactly has 2007 gone? Apart from a few odds and sods, it all seems to have passed like ice cream sliding down the throat. Or something. Having the interweb at hom appears to have sucked out any proactivity I had, meaning that although I'm doing bugger all, I don't seem to have time for any of the little things that matter, like tidying my room and hanging up my washing (which now needs to go through the machine again). So time is passing quickly, and I'm not doing any of the things I am supposed to be doing. I am, in fact, buying very very pretty things off of eBay still.

Off to do the op, Bored and stuff.

November 10th, 2007

  • Eaten Millies cookies. I'd actually forgotten how absolutely lush they were.... mmmmmmmmmm....
  • Gone to Meadowhell. Fairly foolish, I feel, but I felt like spending a lot of money, and got bored of town! Spent an hour dodging chavs and people with prams, then left feeling v drained, but having spent no money (not sure if that is a good thing or not!)
  • Obssessed over the pretty New Rocks in Rocky's. They've been in there for 3 years, and I've never had enough money to just go and buy them, and haven't tried them on for fear that they'll either be horrible and shatter 3 years of dreams, or really nice, causing me to buy them on the spot. Currently looking online to see if I can find them cheaper, my babies are in need of siblings!
  • Got in touch with various people I haven't spoken to for between ages and forever. Facebook is a wonderful invention, how could I ever doubt it!
  • Not gone out on the piss. Admittedly, mainly because I've been working, but still, my liver is very grateful.

In other news, as I was walking to work I watched the firey lights come on outside the station, and they were very pretty. It's been a day of pretty things actually. It's actually been kinda like how Bill Bailey describes being on acid, I've been noticing angles and shapes and the way things disappear behind other things. And it's all been rather aesthetically pleasing!

Feeling a bit lost and confused about some things at the moment. Hate this schitzo part of my personality. But in the long run, if I can sort out my head properly, it'll be worth it. 

Now sitting in the office eating microwave cottage pie waiting for 6pm to roll around so I can start work. Joyfulness! But not minding work so much any more. Advantages of being a little bit indispensible before Christmas...!

October 23rd, 2007

So, it's my mate's birthday today. I mean, I say mate, perhaps not that close, used to see him out at various drinking establishments, and did silly dancing til the wee hours of the morning, not to mention worked god knows how many events with him. So, one of those friends. The ones that are very welcome in your life when they're there, and are good fun to know, but when they move away the only contact you have with them is a mass text at Xmas. See, apart from the way I end up thinking about everyone sometimes, I shouldn't even be thinking about him now. He should just be fading into that blurry nebulous mass of memory that will be occasionally poked by a Facebook update, or seeing something that reminds me of him and makes me wonder how he's doing.

Problem is, he died this summer in a motorcycle accident.

It's not like we were close. I mean, it doesn't hurt me like it hurts the people who were closer to him, and apart from a bit of an incomprehensible blank feeling occasionally when I see him on photos, and the stunning realisation that, no, it's not like the movies when they all come back, it's fine. But I liked him. He was a good laugh. Made working those ballache Tuesday Clubs a bit more interesting at least, and I'll never forget that crazy Fusion Formal, where he was breakdancing during the group photo then threw up in next to the seating area!

No, there isn't any point to this. It feels kinda selfish to be honest, writing up this when there are other people who miss him so much more, especially today. I just wanted somewhere to say that yeah, the world is somehow a bit less than it was, and I'm sorry that he's gone.

Happy Birthday Rich. Rest in Peace.
xx

October 17th, 2007

In sickness and in drunk...

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It's been a fun week, one where sobriety has been exchanged for drunken antics, shitty Leadmill indie cheese has been replaced by Pitchshifter, and being all scared by people at work has been replaced by taking the piss an awful lot. It's been a good week. Now awaiting interesting food and then going disco-opping for the third consecutive night.

I was all geed up for a right update then. Maybe now we have our Internet sorted at home I'll actually update when things happen,instead of having to bottle it all up until it isn't relevant any more.
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